Jesus throws cards
My knowledge of Christianity is an area of particular weakness in the annals of my mind. I have only fleetingly considered trying out for Jeopardy due mostly to my intense fear of any biblical category. However, I am fairly confident in my knowledge that Jesus is not a contemporary card throwing mountain man in a cowboy hat. Full Tilt Poker would try to have me believe differently. Although I have hours of time on my hands everyday to pursue such activities as keeping this self indulgent journal, I honestly don’t call on the television to keep me company on an everyday basis. However, while folding laundry today I came across one of the ubiquitous poker shows that infest daytime sports tv. During a break in the action and as what I perceived to be an attention grabber for all of the five year olds / complete dweebs in the audience, this Jesus fellow appeared (un-miraculously) to show me how best to throw a seven of diamonds through a moving rice cake.
Again, I need to emphasis that the breadth of my biblical knowledge couldn’t span the space between my teeth. I understand that Jesus of Nazareth did some walking on water, some turning of water into wine and I believe he also rose from the dead but that’s where it ends for me. However, I am more than fairly confident that none of these supposed miracles would ever astonish me as much I was gaped mouth at the slow motion replay of that card just slicing through that delicious healthy snack.
Beyond the pure entertainment value of such a feat of divine skill I now feel much safer from the inevitable and potentially earth shattering moment where my plain Quaker Rice Cakes rebel against the thin layer of crunchy peanut butter that I oh so enjoy to spread on them and attempt to bludgeon me to death with themselves.
I know who I would call in such a situation.
“Jesus?”
“Yes my son?”
“Yeah, it’s Ty. It’s happening. I don’t think I can hold out much longer.”
“Be patient, remember your teachings. Hold the card between your middle and index fingers and Ty, you must remember, it is all in the wrist.”
“Thank you Jesus.”
What would Jesus Do?
He would throw cards right through those son of a bitch rice cakes.
