Here’s Your Future!!!

Having yet to procreate is not the driving force behind my ‘eloquent self deprecation.’  I am currently more interested in the coital act designed to produce my spawn than the actual output.  The complaints / ramblings / over analytical bullshit you read here are usually not based in a lack of opportunities to watch Diego on a Saturday morning and much more firmly rooted in a lack of opportunities to roll over on a Saturday morning and participate in the act that could possible produce a future Diego fan.  I do however, from kilometer to kilometer of mindless commuting consider if my inability to breed at this point in my life has any negative repercussions and if I should seriously contemplate ordering a white Russian that doesn’t come from behind the bar in order to get on with the passing of genes.  My most recent conclusion comes from an evolutionary perspective.

If we can assume that all Christian Fundamentalist Creationist theory is as comprised of fanatical dogmatic devotion as my weeknights are of beer and basketball and the 99% of DNA that we share with our public self wanking Chimp friends is not a strange coincidence, there could be a reason that I have not passed on my chromosomes based more on the purposely selective nature of those with the wombs inside them.  Perhaps women see in me physical and mental traits that they feel should not be a part of the future generation.  Perhaps if all men with these traits never produce a child we will eventually eliminate them and the future will be a better place.  Valid point or overly critical whining?  Either way I think it’s worth a look at what 5 of these traits may be and what their elimination from society may bring.

1.  Shyness

If I were more forward and less picky I would have more to kick out of my bed than my own hungover ass.  Having the rocks to put myself on the line and ask the cute girl in the frozen vegetable aisle if she also feels that the Zen Garden would be much more zen-like if the ratio of carrots to baby corn were more in favor of the corn would definitely increase my chances of procreating and possibly result in fantastic après vegetable stir fry romping. 

What the Future Holds if Shyness is Eliminated From Society Through Selective Breeding:

The hardest hit industry would be science fiction.  Without anyone too afraid to leave the house, sitting around eating pringles and dreaming of little cloaked men with light bulbs for eyes selling used robots to overweight moisture farmers with German first names for last names, future cinema would have to focus on plausible plot lines based around the complex love lives of Venezuelan alpaca breeders.

2.  Ability to Endlessly Watch and Read about Basketball 

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if Canada’s most impressive invention  (yes, I am aware that we developed the snow blower) magically went the way of the dodo bird.  Then I feel like Shannon Doherty in Mallrats:  I think about it and I cry. 

What the Future Holds if Basketball Fans are Elimintated From Society Through Selective Breeding:

There would be darkness.   With the sun blocked out by flying raccoons draped in Bobcats jerseys, Bill Simmons would lurk in the allies, selling stories of Andrew Declercq’s fiery temper to anyone who will listen.  Shunned by society, NBA players and coaches would take to the corporate world and driven by their vindicism to woman for eliminating their fan base, complex buyouts of John Freida and Playtex would be negotiated.  Colour safe shampoo and tampons would no longer be produced.  Women would be angrier, less comfortable and have more gross roots.

3.  Insecurity

I enjoy watching people’s faces when they’re vigorously cutting rug.  Security with one’s self is most evident in the face you make when you dance, whether sober as shit and inwardly blaming your first dad’s problem drinking for the wreck that has become your immediate family at your mom’s 3rd wedding or drunk as hell trying to forget your week at the Dance Cave.  I admire those that can close their eyes, sway their hips and not give two shakes of a cheetah’s tail about how off time they are or how much they resemble Carlton Banks minus the unnecessarily tight polo.  I admire them because they so easily do what I can’t.  I smile.  I make the annoying puckered lip face.  I look at the ceiling.  Nothing says I am so earnestly concerned about how I look at every single moment of the day than the awkward dancing face.  I am the king of that.

What the Future Holds if Insecurity is Eliminated From Society Through Selective Breeding:

Men would feel that wearing muscle shirts they bought on an all inclusive vacation while totally drunk and buying Cheetos at the resort gift shop is not only always socially acceptable but completely attractive because it’s totally ’skin to win’ all the time.  There would also be a drastic increase in the sales of custom coffee mugs with the owner’s face on it above bubble lettered ‘#1 Human.’

4.  Ability to Poorly Play and Sing the Same Few Songs on Guitar Every Damned Day without Learning a New One

If Whiskeytown never existed I’d end up playing E major over and over and over again.  Nothing else.  One chord.  I’d probably sound like Flecton Big Sky minus the dress and barbed wire necklace and never be able to live within hearing distance of another human being.

What the Future Holds if Horrible Singer Songwritters are Eliminated From Society Through Selective Breeding:

All the bands that understand how to properly write songs would have no ‘local favourites’ to open for them when they come into a city without a touring partner.  When waiting for a band to stop drinking beer backstage and take the stage there would be no generic strumming and boring vocals to talk / clink bottles over top of.  Bands would sell more t-shirts and bars would sell more beer.  Eventually our hearing and ability to to talk loudly into someone else’s ears without spitting and producing a second level wet willy would become obsolete.  We would become a society of low talking drool machines.

5.  Belief in Making Eye Contact from Across the Room as a Solid Pick Up Move and Not a Creepazoid Stalker Preview

My way around actually talking to women while at a party or a bar is to stare at them.  I assume that my original logic behind this move was based on emitting the sensation that their intense beauty is so captivating that I could do nothing else but look in their direction.  Even in the middle of intellectual banter about the future of the ottoman as a legitimate piece of furniture I am often taken by the looks of a girl across the room.  Making eye contact isn’t a bad move, I’m sure some pickup artists would even endorse it.  My problem is with the follow through.  Instead of building a solid base with a returned stare or two and then going in for the conversation, like a big man without a left hand, I keep going right with the stare even though it eventually gets blocked at the rim / fat dude between us every single time. 

What the Future Holds if Making Eye Contact as a Pickup Move is Eliminated From Society Through Selective Breeding:

Without a need to tell obnoxiously goateed men to go fly a kite before they saunter over in their lugz to ask them where their boyfriend is cause they obviously must have one cause they’re so hot, women would loose the art of giving the stink eye.  As men, we would be subjected to more frequent verbal refusals / talk to the hand moves.  Our collective confidence would be destroyed.  Shattered, men would resort to well, themselves.  Sales of assless chaps would skyrocket.

Conclusion

All men would be gay, walk around in tight tank tops emblazoned with the Cuban flag and assless chaps spitting quitely into the ears of angry uncomfortable women with bad roots while watching horribly boring film with ZERO laser content.  Your choice ladies, this is your future if I don’t breed.  Is this perhaps the most convincing personal ad you’ve ever read?  I should also mention that I love smokey jazz bars and red wine and love just ‘exploring’ the city.